Last updated on 2021/09/26
Think back to the last time you met someone new.
The circumstances may end up dictating the conversation – if you are on a sinking boat you probably won’t stop to chat with the person next to you while you are both trying to stay afloat.
However, in many social situations, meeting a new person often goes something like this:
“Hey, Kevin, I would like you to meet my [insert one of the following: friend/co-worker/teammate/acquaintance/random person I just met], so-and-so.”
“Hi, so-and-so! How are you?”
“I’m good. Thanks for asking. So…. what do you do for a living?”
It may not always happen that quickly and it may be asked in different forms, but thinking back over meeting new humans in my lifetime that question comes up a lot.
Which begs an even greater question: why do we insist on defining new people that we meet by their jobs?
Reflecting on my interactions with other people, I find that my responses unconsciously deflect and attempt to shift the topic away from what I do.
Why? Because that is not who I want to be.
It isn’t that the response is a deliberate and purposeful attempt to try and hide what I do. That job, that daily work, is something that brings forth a lot of personal pride. It just doesn’t encompass the entire scope of “me.”
The problem is that that interaction can define the perceptions and attitudes of others towards you.
It is like a mini-resume in one statement and the other person is deciding on whether or not they will like you and want to be your friend based on a job title alone.
Just the thought of the interaction makes me shudder in revulsion.
So my typical response to this type of question is that I work with an Engineering team to create some great audio and video products. Then I attempt to change the subject.
This usually works. It is a vague and mostly meaningless statement that has the term “engineering” in it so there is usually an assumption that it is something smart and technical.
I am honestly fine with that assumption.
However, deep down inside I know that my official title is Director of Engineering and I make a solid salary for that role.
But neither of these things defines me, and that is who I want others to get to know.
Having recently completed interviews for an open position on the team, a couple of responses stuck out to me. While these interviews weren’t out of the ordinary and these responses were mostly typical, there was a heavy leaning on what title people would receive and how quickly they could advance to a “Senior” level.
On one level, I get it. The memories of being the younger upstart developer who could mostly go toe-to-toe with the older, more seasoned devs and the drive and desire to achieve that coveted title with the word “Senior” in front of it.
How little I knew back then, and how the view changes with time and experience.
Society teaches us from a young age to pursue money and titles. These are the measures for success in life!
This is a proclamation broadcast across the social strata and everywhere on social media.
Yet, these things don’t matter to me near as much as they used to.
If I had to break down a definition of success now, at this point in my life, it definitely wouldn’t be 50/50 money and job title.
— lizandmollie (@lizandmollie) February 14, 2021
No, instead I would tag about 10% money and 10% title. While these are important, in and of themselves they aren’t that big.
Mental health would be much bigger, about 25% of the pie. Mental health is huge and gets more and more important as you get older. Finding happiness and contentment in who you are as a person and in how you interact with others is incredibly critical to the overall success metric.
Next would be physical health at about 20%. That is right, as you get older this one becomes more and more important. You don’t worry about being hungover or the aches and pains of simply getting out of bed in your twenties.
Double your age and suddenly you start feeling every part of your body a LOT more. In a definition of successful, just being able to move around when and how I want to is definitely a bigger focus than it used to be.
Next would be my job and hobbies. These are the things I do every single day. Not all of them are fun, or interesting, but they all contribute to eating up many of my waking hours. This is another 20% of the success definition. Being able to work on fun and exciting things is super important towards feeling fulfilled and engaged.
The last 15% is simply having free time. This may overlap in some areas. Sleeping in. Reading. Walking the dogs. Writing for fun. Being in my 40s and getting back to playing video games regularly. Having free time to explore and control my time and spend it enjoyably is critical to feeling successful in other areas of life.
The next time that you find yourself meeting someone new, try asking them something else besides “what do you do?” because our job title, and the money we make, are not what truly defines who we are. We are people with many talents and many interests and we are all different, unique, and special. My title is Kevin, and while I enjoy Engineering, I also like writing, thinking, and exploring ways to be a better human.
Thanks for reading!
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